Old Memories

The night before last I had the chance to see some friends. When I say friends, mind you, they're really more like family. I spent all of middle school and high school with these guys. I love them all, so so very much. Well my family and I moved about 6 months ago, so instead of being next door neighbors, it's now a two-hour trip. So the other night me and my sister went up to see them. It was amazing. It felt just like old times, without all the awkwardness or anything that had accumulated at some point. We were able to sit and talk, and just be a family again. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but it makes me so happy, even days afterwards. Knowing that even there's so much distance between us, but we can still all come together and just be us, our little family, no matter what.

For Those Who Feel Alone

I recently found this on my friends YouTube chanel. He recites a powerful poem. (Also, I know that the read through isn't the best in the world, but pay attention please)

To This Day by Shane Koyczan

To This Day
When I was a kid
I used to think that pork chops and karate chops
were the same thing
I thought they were both pork chops
and because my grandmother thought it was cute
and because they were my favourite
she let me keep doing it

not really a big deal

one day
before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees
I fell out of a tree
and bruised the right side of my body

I didn’t want to tell my grandmother about it
because I was afraid I’d get in trouble
for playing somewhere that I shouldn’t have been

a few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise
and I got sent to the principal’s office
from there I was sent to another small room
with a really nice lady
who asked me all kinds of questions
about my life at home

I saw no reason to lie
as far as I was concerned
life was pretty good
I told her “whenever I’m sad
my grandmother gives me karate chops”

this led to a full scale investigation
and I was removed from the house for three days
until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises

news of this silly little story quickly spread through the school
and I earned my first nickname

pork chop

to this day
I hate pork chops

I’m not the only kid
who grew up this way
surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we’d be lonely forever
that we’d never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there’s no way for it to metastasize

it does

she was eight years old
our first day of grade three
when she got called ugly
we both got moved to the back of the class
so we would stop get bombarded by spit balls
but the school halls were a battleground
where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day
we used to stay inside for recess
because outside was worse
outside we’d have to rehearse running away
or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there
in grade five they taped a sign to her desk
that read beware of dog

to this day
despite a loving husband
she doesn’t think she’s beautiful
because of a birthmark
that takes up a little less than half of her face
kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer
that someone tried to erase
but couldn’t quite get the job done
and they’ll never understand
that she’s raising two kids
whose definition of beauty
begins with the word mom
because they see her heart
before they see her skin
that she’s only ever always been amazing

he
was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family tree
adopted
but not because his parents opted for a different destiny
he was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left alone
and two parts tragedy
started therapy in 8th grade
had a personality made up of tests and pills
lived like the uphills were mountains
and the downhills were cliffs
four fifths suicidal
a tidal wave of anti depressants
and an adolescence of being called popper
one part because of the pills
and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
he tried to kill himself in grade ten
when a kid who still had his mom and dad
had the audacity to tell him “get over it” as if depression
is something that can be remedied
by any of the contents found in a first aid kit

to this day
he is a stick on TNT lit from both ends
could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it’s about to fall
and despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration
he remains a conversation piece between people
who can’t understand
sometimes becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
and more to do with sanity

we weren’t the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
oddities
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell

but I want to tell them
that all of this shit
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
“they were wrong”
because maybe you didn’t belong to a group or a click
maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong

they have to be wrong

why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don’t worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
fuck off we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me

of course
they did

but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.

I've Been Thinking...

I seem to have been thinking a lot lately. About myself, about all the things I've been through. Sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently. I know it's pointless, but at times I can't help but wonder. I think a lot of people can't help but wonder. Everyone has their "what if's" or their "if only's". However the truth is that all these things, all the choices that we have made, make us the people we are today. I know that if it wasn't for these things I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm strong. At least I feel strong. I'm good at pushing through things, and looking for the best. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had felt the pain, loss, anger, depression, heartbreak, and countless other things that I went through. Sometimes we look back and wonder what we could have done differently. What could we have changed. If only we hadn't met that one person. But your tale of heartbreak gives you strength you might not even realize you have. So many things make us who we are. So please. Recognize the beauty you have inside yourself; because I know I wouldn't change a thing.

Suddenly...

For some reason it seems, that since I've turned 18, I've been sassier to my parents than ever before. It's like a switch flipped. I've always been a quiet person, and generally I like to think myself kind. But I guess holding in emotions takes it's toll, because I totally have been letting snide comments out that in the past I probably never would have thought of. So all of the sudden my dad calls my puppies stupid, and I hear myself saying "don't call them stupid, they're sometimes smarter than you!" Which expressed my irritation, but unfortunately hurt his feelings. It's strange... This newfound change. Having a hard time controlling my thoughts, let alone my actions and spoken words. I guess I have a more independent nature than I thought I did. Interesting to see how this change is affecting me, not to mention my family and friends. But I like it in a weird way. I feel I have a confidence that didn't exist before, like I'm starting to be more comfortable being myself in unfamiliar situations. I'm starting to develop a "take me as I am or screw off" attitude. It's nice to have confidence in yourself. 

moods in song

Do you ever wish...

Do you ever wish that you could go back in time?
Change things you thought ought not to be,
Recreate a moment, make it last forever
See how a different decision could have played out,
and change things for the better

Do you ever wish you could go forward in time?
Forward to see everything's going to be okay?
Forward to see the consequences,
Forward to see love.

Do you ever wish, just once, to stay right where you are?
Do you remember how much stronger you are,
than before all those mistakes?
Do you remember the choices you make,
may make you happy in the end?
and do you remember,
you are surrounded by love?

Although not very pleasant, the present is the place to be,
the place to beat,
the plave to believe.

Ever changing,
ever moving forward,
the present,
with all its flaws,
all its imperfections,
and all its pain,
is what makes you, has made you,
just who you are:)

today's five things

Art projects
my sister
Books
Pictures
Traveling/ Dreaming

Just 5 Things

Sometimes when we are feeling down, it's hard to see the good in life. It can be hard to change your point of view, and stop expecting and even looking for the bad in life. So here's a good trick to flip your perspective around. Everyday simply write down five things you're grateful for. As simple as it sounds, it can seriously change your life. It can be hard to think of the good at first, and writing down the obvious can be easy to do. It's OKAY to do that. I know from experience that when your down in the dumps, it's really hard to look at the wonderful blessings in your life. So, I challenge you to do this, everyday, even just for a week, and see how it affects you. Do here's my five things for today:
I'm grateful for...
My family,
My friends,
That I can go to school,
My job,
My puppies

Change

Never stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Just because someone is mean, rude, unkind, selfish, or any number of things, doesn't mean there isn't a reason. In my life, I've met many people like this. Yes, some people are just plain mean, and that's their problem. But that doesn't mean that it gives you or I the right to act the same way back. You never know what someone may be going through, or how it's affecting them. Don't stick to the old age saying,"an eye for Ann eye, a tooth for a tooth" Be better than that. Because of you are, you never know just how tremendous of an impact you will have on those around you. No more recent, but love and understanding. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone acted in this manner. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Start changing things today. It all starts with just one person to make a difference; and that person could be you.

A wish upon a star....

Do you ever wish that you could just fix someone's problem for them?Do you ever get frustrated when you see someone struggling with something you already know how to do? Every wish that you could just bestow your knowledge of a subject into their heads so that they won't struggle as much?ever just think, maybe, just maybe, there's a chance you can fix this for them? The sad reality is that you can't. You have to let your loved ones struggle and learn, and go through their own trials and tribulations. I know sometimes I wish there was a way I could just do it for them. That there was some magical way that I could fix everything for them. But in reality all we can do is just try to be there for them and do what we can to lighten their loss and help them through each day, minute by minute. Because in the end, sometimes that's one of the greatest hits of them all; watching and helping our loved ones grow before our eyes.

New favorite quote:)

"It is not what you believe that counts; it is what you believe enough to do."

-A Scool for my Village
Twesigye Jackson . M

just rediscovered this song, I'm in love with it:)

Just Me :)

Sometimes in life, we wonder where we are going, what path we are on, and how we can enjoy it best. Although, there isn't always an easy way out of tough situations. As we rely on God though, we will always make it through. He does not give us trials to have us fail, He gives us trials to strengthen us. As we come to understand this, and appreciate the things each hard patch of life has given us, we will be strengthened and able to grow closer to our Father in Heaven each and every day.
   Keep Calm 
      and
    Listen to a
Dieter F. Uchtdorf
       talk

Another Love Song

I love this song

This is the best:D

Quotes

"You taught me what love is, and for that I will forever be gratful"
"Facebook is like a fridge. You know there's nothing in there, but you can't help staring at it for five minutes anyways"
"Sometimes a second chance is just a way to end things right"

Tumblr

What if

Take chances in life, otherwise your going to be left with a lot of "what ifs" when you grow up. Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith.

Memories

When your in the moment, it's so much easier to describe things than if your just thinking about the past. Let's face it, people forget things and memories get hazy. Don't let go of them though, because some day those memories will become priceless to you.